What IS It About Summer?

I get summer fever pretty badly. I sit at work, listening to songs I used to dance to, tease boyfriends to, love to, and I miss it.

I miss summer. I miss just working to pay for my desires. I miss the concerts, the barbecues, the parties. I miss dressing cute, knowing I was cute. I miss the compliments that weren’t inappropriate. I miss the invites to the Vineyard.

Sigh.

I’ve been window shopping a lot, lately, seeing the feminine outfits and sandals, and the makeup. Why the hell did I stop wearing feminine clothing?

I mean, I know why I gained weight, that was a classic case. I was raped, and then, a week later, assaulted. I knew it was my fault, so I started eating. The baggy clothing, as much as it’s a no-brainer, now, was really a surprise to me. Then, the other day I looked at my wardrobe. Not good. Lots of hand-me-downs from mom, aunts, neighbors, all over 20 years older than me.

It’s a vicious cycle. I think I want to break it, but it takes so much effort to stop not making an effort, you know?

Dagnabbit. I have to start. I need taking care of myself to become a habit by October. July 1 it is. Yeesh.

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